Green Widow
A Matter of Life and Death
Introducing the new publication from Rachel Green.... A Matter of Life & Death
Welcome
Welcome to greenwidow.com. I am Rachel Green, the green widow in question, and in more ways than one. Apart from the obvious name connection, I was also totally naïve and ignorant of anything to do with bereavement until my husband Ian died suddenly in 2001. Having attended only three funerals in my 38 years, and all of those elderly grandparents, I was completely green about the entire experience of death, from organising a funeral and talking to undertakers to meeting solicitors to discuss estates, wills, probate – I knew nothing about any of it. Compounded with the fact I had lost my life partner and was also facing another major change in my life – I was about to have a baby – my entire world had collapsed around me.
This might be the situation now facing you or someone you love. This is meant to help everyone involved, not just the bereaved mother-to-be, but also her friends and families struggling to come to terms with a tragic event in complete contrast to what the anticipated birth of a child should be - a very happy time.
Until I started publicising this book, I had never' before 'done anything remarkable'. I am nobody special, you won’t ever have heard of me, I’m not famous, I’ve never done anything remarkable, I hadn’t been on TV, in books or magazines. In short, I’m very ordinary to whom something very extraordinary happened. I’m just like all the other women it happens to; my life was happy but unexceptional, and then it was turned upside down by events. At the time, my family and friends tried to find some support for me, tried to find someone who knew what I was going through. There was nothing, not even a chapter in a book about coping with the end of one life and the beginning of another simultaneously. So I wrote my own.
‘ A Matter of Life & Death ' is the story of five bereaved women, five deeply loved and mourned husbands and six babies semi orphaned before they'd even left the womb. It tells how we found our own way through our bereavement and initial grief, what helped, what definitely didn't, and gives an insight into how life is now. I said earlier I hadn't done anything remarkable, perhaps I should rethink that now that this website is up and running. If I can help just one person with what is on this site, then I have achieved something remarkable, and so have the women whose stories are retold here. And if our children grow up loved and nurtured just as they would have been had their fathers lived to see them, then they will be remarkable too – little survivors of something devastating which was totally beyond their control.
The stories may not apply to you, they may not even apply to anyone you know. But if they do, I hope it will help just to know you're not alone in your grief and whatever you feel, someone has felt it all before, even when you've thought you're going mad and nobody understands …. someone does .
So What is This About?
The website and a printed version of ‘A Matter of Life & Death’ have been supported and partially funded by a charity for young widows and widowers called the WAY Foundation. This is a charity run by volunteers, providing a self-help support network for men and women widowed before they’re 50. It was set up in 1997 by Caroline Sarll, whose brother-in-law died, leaving a pregnant wife behind. After discovering the lack of any type of support for the UK for those widowed young, Caroline set up an organisation herself and WAY was launched.
Everyone at WAY has been through bereavement, the loss of a spouse, so it can offer support, help and above all, understanding. Whatever a newly bereaved person is feeling, be it confusion, anger, hurt, bewilderment or simply great sorrow, it's something everyone at WAY is familiar with. Its aims are simple - to provide a socail and support network for men and women up to the age of 50, to help them and their families rebuild their lives after they've been shattered by the death of a partner.
The printed book is available free of charge by contacting rachel_green6@yahoo.co.uk
Special Thanks
My thanks must go to so many people who have helped so much with this book and website from its inception, so in true cyber speak, virtual hugs go to you all.
The WAY Foundation has given me not just support and some truly good friends, but has also provided some of the funding for this entire project. For that, I am extremely grateful and hope that WAY's connection with ‘ A Matter of Life & Death ' will help to promote awareness of this marvellous group of people and its ability to help so many young, bereaved men and women. My way of giving them support includes sitting on the national commitee, currently as Chairman.
A special mention must go to Tony Currie, the man who put this entire website together, who will always have my gratitude, offering to do the work at minimal cost and under some considerable time pressure, so Tony, thank you so much.
On an emotional level, I couldn’t have done any of it without so many others.
I owe a lot to Cheryl, Caroline, Helen and Louise, as well as the other forty or so pregnant widows I have been in touch with since this book venture began. Their stories remain untold here, but are no less important. My friends have kept me grounded and sane in the worst of situations, acting as editors, contributors and proof readers, all dealing with circumstances and emotions that are completely unfamiliar.
Love and gratitude in spades go to my parents, without whom I could not have got through the last few years. My sister Vicki has been and continues to be amazing as a friend, a shoulder to cry on and A1 babysitter, and my best friend Amanda has never failed to offer love, help and support, even at 3 in the morning when I’ve been in tears and she’s been 6 months’ pregnant. Thank you all so very, very much, you really will never know quite how much I appreciate everything you’ve done.
I would also like to thank all the professionals who have contributed to the book – I am immensely grateful to Dr David Leather, my solicitor, Romy Helmsley and Jan Fish for taking time to talk to me and for giving me so much advice I wish had been available at the time I needed it. A special mention must also go to Denise Robertson, who has supported this project from the very start. I am indebted to Denise for giving up her time, of which she has so little, and her expertise, of which she has a great deal, in order to support me. Many, many thanks to you.
Ultimately, however, those who unwittingly started this whole ball rolling deserve all my love and special thanks, my much missed and loved husband Ian, and the most special person in my life, my daughter Alexandra.
I still keep in touch with all the women in the book, we're all getting on with our lives - perhaps with a new husband or partner, perhaps with a new career, perhaps a little more cautiosly, but definitely with a new outlook on life and a determination to make the most of it. The end of our husband's life hasn't been the end of ours. End of.
What people have said about 'A Matter of Life & Death'.
"knowing that someone had been there and done it before me made me feel normal again, and it was reassuring."
"We at the BBC had a very positive response from viewers since the feature was broadcast on Look North - one lady was so moved, she watched it "with tears streaming down her face"."
"I can identify with you so much - you have described all the feelings I had and am still going through".
"You have given me some hope for the future - you are a true inspiration".
"Thank you so much for sending a copy of your book to our hospital. I cried throughout the first read and now want to go back to the book and take in every word of every line. Reading it will be something I will always remember."
"I am a midwife and was widowed when pregnant. The book is brilliant, I can relate to it so much."
"Thank you for sharing you story, your experiences and reactions mirror those of my daughter-in-law."
"I was truly delighted to see your book in the Midwives Unit. There are many people to whom I will pass on the details. I wish you hadn't had the experience to write this book and yet am delighted to have found such a resource, thank you for everything you have put into writing, publishing and distributing this book."
"It does help incredibly to realise that what you are feeling is completely normal in such circumstances."